


Snow Babe

by Adrastiana



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Mild Sexual Content, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 16:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16876161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrastiana/pseuds/Adrastiana
Summary: Reno recounts his horrible encounter with a snow babe in a cave near Icicle Inn. Don't you dare touch her with that filthy hot springs tainted hand! You'll   pull back a frozen stump you jerk!





	Snow Babe

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea brewing in my head for years. I finally got around to writing it. I chose Reno as my guinea pig. Poor thing. Not exactly a Holiday fic. But icy enough for the season.
> 
> There's a cave on your way to the Great Glacier that contains a lady who does not like the hot springs. If you touch the hot springs then try to touch her she gets really mad and attacks you. Defeat her and get the Alexander summon materia.
> 
> Poor Reno bit off more than he could chew here and narrowly escaped unfrozen. The nerve of Rude getting a chest cold on vacation. It's all his fault! XD

"I swear to Bahamut this happened!" Reno cried, slamming his beer mug down on the table. "Swear on your bald head!"

"Alright, alright..," Rude said, putting a hand up. "Calm down. You're causing a scene."

"It happened!"

"Reno..."

The red head sighed, feigning offense. "Sorry. But you know... It's like you don't believe me. That hurts."

"You aren't really hurt are you?" Rude asked, raising an eyebrow.

Reno took a huge gulp of beer and grinned widely. "Nah. But I swear it really happened Rude. I wasn't drunk either. Well not like totally lit. More like a little tipsy. But I was sober enough to know that it was all real."

"Then tell me about this... Snow babe?"

"Yeah!" Reno beamed. "The snow babe. Oh man was she hot. Too bad she hated the heat."

"And when did this happen?" Rude asked.

"Last night. You went to bed so damn early. And I was bored."

"Sorry," Rude said, sipping his drink. "The cold weather made me a little congested. I feel better now."

"Well good for you," the red head replied, sticking his tongue out. "Thanks to your respiratory system I was almost flash frozen by a crazy snow babe."

"Your fault for wandering off...,"

Reno shrugged. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I heard there was a hot spring somewhere and I thought maybe there might be some hotties in it. But it was way farther than I thought. When I finally got there I had to check my balls to make sure they hadn't frozen off."

"Did they?"

Reno stuck his tongue out again. "Very funny. And no they didn't. Anyway, there was no one there. So I took a nice long dip and warmed up."

"Weren't you cold getting out?"

"I brought a towel Rude. Jeez. I wasn't _that_ drunk."

"Smarter than I thought," Rude quipped, taking another sip. "So then what happened?"

"Well, I made my way back to Icicle Inn. Glad we came in the summer. It's not quite as bad. But I started to get really cold after awhile. I saw a cave I hadn't noticed before and thought maybe I could take shelter and make a fire. Then in the morning you could rescue me and be my hero and get your picture in the paper."

Rude laughed softly. "Man in sunglasses saves idiot from freezing to death."

"Yeah! There's no way Tifa could resist you then!"

Rude cleared his throat and adjusted his already perfectly straight shades.

Reno snickered and went on with the story, ignoring the glare that he knew Rude was giving him for finding that reaction so amusing. "Anyway, so I go into this cave and there's a girl in there. Oh my God, Rude! She was so damn hot. At first I thought I was hallucinating because I had hypothermia or something. But she was real. I swear. So I ask her what she's doin' there and she says 'waiting for you'. And I'm like 'Alright! Reno is gonna score tonight!'. So I start walking over and she's smiling at me. Then she asks me to stay the night and chill with her."

"Friendly girl..."

"Yeah I know," the red head laughed. "Just my type. Or so I thought. So as soon as I'm like ten feet away from her she starts takin' off her top. Tits like you wouldn't believe! Even Tifa would be jealous!"

This comment caused Rude to spit out his drink. A few people turned to stare at his reaction. It was so embarrassing that the bald Turk wished he could turn invisible. 

"Sorry, man. You know how I get sometimes," Reno said sincerely. "Anyway, we need to emphasize the term 'chill' here. 'Cause damn is it important. See, this chick she starts beckoning. Not like she has to. I was already heading in that direction. Little Reno leading the way."

"Thanks for that visualization..."

The red head grinned widely. "You're welcome. So I get within inches of my little snow bunny. And I figure that she must be freezing. What with being topless now. So I say to her "Oh baby, you must be so cold'. And she goes 'I'm absolutely freezing'. And then she gives me this look that says I am free to touch whatever I want to touch. So I go for the obvious and grab me a boob. And that's when it happened."

"What happened?"

Reno went wide eyed. He looked legitimately horrified. "I think I'm gonna have nightmares about this broad for the rest of my life Rude! No lie. When I touched her my hand stung. It wasn't like touching someone who was cold. It was like touching absolute zero, man! Then my hand went so numb so fast I thought it died of frostbite. And that's not even the really scary part. This chick started turning blue. And the look on her face! Oh my God! She was enraged! I thought maybe I overstepped my bounds or misread her signals. I tried to reason with myself that it was just a misunderstanding and that was all. But deep down inside I knew that she couldn't be human."

"Not human?"

Reno shook his head. "No way. I told you she turned blue didn't it?"

"Maybe she was just really cold," Rude suggested.

"No. This was like blue blue. Like a sky blue crayon or something. Totally unnatural. Unless you ain't human. The look on her face though! I had to use my right hand to pull my left off her boob because my left hand was completely numb and I couldn't move it at all. And while I'm doing this she's screaming at me. Going 'You touched that hot spring didn't you?'. And I'm all like 'I took a little dip. That's all. Just to warm up'. And then she roars 'You bathed in that hot spring then had the nerve to touch me? How dare you!'. And then she tries to grab me. But I spin around and run."

"Well at least you made it back here."

"No Rude, that ain't the end. That ain't the end at all. The cave floor was a little icy and I slipped. I tried to get back up but I was so terrified and my left hand was still useless. So I just crawled along the ice. She was still screeching about the hot spring and what a horrible person I was. So I kept saying I was sorry. I mean it's not like I meant to upset her. How was I supposed to know she was a freaky snow monster? Anyway, suddenly her screamin' ain't coming from behind me. It's right in front of me. I look up and this bitch is completely naked and totally blue. And still yelling about the hot spring. She starts pelting me with ice! I got bruises on my back to prove it."

"At least she missed your face."

"Yeah. That was the one good thing about all this I guess. That and her boobs. Well before my hand nearly froze solid touching one. Man... Am I glad I didn't kiss her. Because it would have been like that scene from A Christmas Story. Only my tongue would have been stuck fast to hers. Probably for eternity."

"So," Rude asked, "How did you get away?"

"Well I knew I had to fight back before she either froze me solid or beat me to death with ice balls. And neither one of those sounded too pleasant. But I couldn't grab my EMR because my left hand was still dead to the world. So I had to stick my right arm under my body. And that really set her off."

Rude was perplexed. "Why?"

"Well she totally misunderstood what I was doing. She goes 'Are you masturbating? You creep! And after you touched me with that filthy hot springs hand!'. And that's when the rain 'o ice really came down. Man, I thought I was a goner. But somehow the need to live really kicked in and I managed to scramble to my feet under a hail of ice and gave her a good shock."

"And then she went down?"

Reno shook his head. "Oh hell no! She was madder than ever. Barely fazed her. Then I remembered I had some fire materia. I guess I was too scared before. What with running for my life with a frozen left hand and all. Thank Leviathan my bangle was on my right wrist. Because my whole arm was starting to sting at that point and I could barely lift it."

"So you melted her?"

"Not quite. But she got singed pretty good. Then she started freaking out and I hauled ass. We're talkin' major ass haulin' here Rude! I never ran so fast in my life. Luckily she didn't follow me. I got back here and just collapsed in the lobby. The caretaker found me and gave me some potions for my arm. Still hurts though. And do you know what he said, Rude?"

Rude shrugged. "No. What?"

"So you ran into the snow woman eh, whippersnapper."

Rude raised an eyebrow. "Whippersnapper?"

"C'mon, you saw him Rude. He's 150 if he's a day. But anyway, he knew all about her. Seems that it's quite the legend around here. But they stopped putting it in the tourist brochures because dumb guys-"

"Like you," Rude interrupted.

"Haha. Very funny there Rude. As I was sayin', because dumb guys kept tryin' to score with her. A few of them were even dumb enough to attempt to do the deed. And well... I don't think I have to spell it out."

Rude winced. It was definitely not something his mind wanted to linger on.

"That's why I'm glad I was a gentleman about the whole thing. You know, at least grope the boobies first before you try to put it in."

"Show them that you care."

The red head laughed, taking a huge gulp of his drink. "Exactly! I'm not that uncouth! But man... Can you imagine if I moved that fast? If I was as dumb as those guys? Damn... I'd have to change my name to Shirley and start selling real estate."

"Hope I get a discount,"

"Sure thing, man," Reno answered, motioning to the waitress to bring them more drinks. "But damn was that snow babe hot. You know, maybe if I had an aurora armlet..."

Rude shook his head. "Don't even think about it."

"Aww... But-"

"I'll put you on a leash."

"Damn, Rude!" Reno laughed. "Didn't know you were into that sort of thing."

"Very funny... Just stay away from that snow lady."

Reno rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue. "Ok mom."

"I'm serious. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you."

"Well it was a pretty close call," Reno mused. "Those tits though... Damn."

"I'll add a choke collar. To keep you in line."

Reno winked, grinning. "Kinky."

Under his shades Rude rolled his eyes. That Reno sure got into some strange predicaments.

_~Fin~_


End file.
